I had a feeling today might not be a good day…

As I was getting ready for church this morning I began to have an uneasy feeling in my stomach that something bad was going to happen.  I don’t get these very often, but when I do I am rarely wrong.  The feeling grew.  Then as I walked down the steps I heard my almost 4-year-old say out of the blue, “I don’t like Mommy anymore.” 

I was stopped dead in my tracks.  Did I hear that right?  “What did you say?”  He repeated it AGAIN.  “WHY?”  I asked.  “Because you make loud sounds,” he replied, and my heart broke into a million pieces.

By “loud sounds” my son means yelling.  Yep.  Sometimes I yell.  I don’t want to.  But sometimes I get so tired and frustrated and I just, just… GAAHHH!  I hate it when I get like that.  (See The Mom I Do Not Want to Be)  And now to see that it has changed my son’s opinion of me makes me feel awful.  Truly awful.  I went to church with a sinking heart, eager for wisdom and comfort.

I wish I could say that the day got better from there.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Well, life sure has swept me off my feet lately, or at least kept ‘em moving. I have a LOT of activity going on, but so far am handling it pretty well! Although I still haven’t finished unpacking from the beach…

Last week Thomas started back at preschool. I had prepared his teacher for his anxiety, and warned her that sometimes he is genuinely scared, but sometimes just manipulative (he says, “I’m scared!” when he doesn’t get his way). I also warned her about his sensory issues, aversion to being dirty, how he won’t do finger paint, etc. I asked her to please CHALLENGE him to overcome his fears while also being sensitive. Tricky! As school approached he got increasingly anxious and told me, “Mommy, please don’t leave me all by myself at school!” I remained positive for him, even though my heart ached, and thankfully there were minimal tears at dropoff the first day. Later at pickup I braced myself, only to hear, “He was my star student!” The teacher said he listened (what? whose child is THAT?), he was the line leader (it was a TRAIN!), and he even did a HANDPRINT!! Last year he refused to do the handprint. I was thrilled! He has LOVED school every day since then, and when asked who his friends were at school he named 2 buddies AND his teacher.

Labels & Symbols (and why I have an Autism Awareness Ellipse on my page)

I have been thinking a lot about labels & symbols & political correctness & stigma & all that comes with it.  Very complicated issues, no easy answers.  It is a merry-go-round, as are my thoughts, so bear with me.  For example, I struggle with terminology.  Should I say “my son has special needs”?  Does that term offend anyone?  What does “special needs” mean anyway? 

Randon Random

Today I am taking a break from Blogging for Autism Awareness.  It is a very important issue to me, but I do not want to let it overwhelm me.  I have an identity outside of that and want to take time to remember who I am besides being the mother of a child with a developmental disorder.  It is kind of like how I try not to let that define my son’s identity.  I see him as a beautiful, happy, intelligent, loving child.  He also happens to display signs of being on the autism spectrum. 

So in the spirit of embracing the rest of my random life, let me tell you some of the more random things that have happened to me lately.  I’m kinda tired.  Things have been pretty crazy. 

I recently had to throw out a container of Bleu Cheese because it had grown mold.  If that is not a perfect illustration of irony I don’t know what is. 

Identity Crisis

I have been struggling with some issues of identity lately.  Who am I?  Am I who I want to be?   Who do others need me to be?  And does that get in the way of who I want to be?  I began this blog in part to have something that was mine, something for just me me ME!

I have so many roles to fill and so often lately they seem in conflict. 

The Platypus: Who Are you?

 

Time for more about the creature for which this blog is named:  the duckbill platypus.  The platypus is one of only a handful of egg laying mammals, meaning that it gives milk but also lays eggs…what a rebel!  It also has other reptilian characteristics, like the production of venom;  the males have a venomous spur on their hind legs that they use to defend themselves.   This creature is so unusual that when it was first brought to Europe by trappers it was considered a fraud. 

Seven Random Things About ME

I got tagged to do my first meme, 7 Random Things About Me,  by my blog-buddy Kemi   http://kemilikechemistry.wordpress.com/  

I decided that these random ME things would be about the me that was simply ME.  The ME that I miss being sometimes, that ME that is all too often neglected…who I am apart from being a mother and a wife.  My family is so very important to me and I love my role in their life, but I also love just being me. 

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My favorite animal…

Is NOT the Goldfinch!  While I love that cheery little bird, with the bright yellow feathers and sweet song, the platypus has always held the #1 place in my heart.  Why?

The platypus is an animal that upon first glance looks like it doesn’t make sense.  It has the fur and tail of a beaver, feet like an otter, and a duck’s bill.  -Whew!-  What an eclectic creature!  And yet within that strange compilation lies an intricate master plan.   God gave her all the tools she needed for the life she would live.

I could probably say I am an unusual person.   People quite often don’t know what to make of me.  My Dad calls it “Not boring”.  And so sometimes I feel like I just don’t fit.  What to do with my webbed feet and duck bill?  And then I look at the platypus and I smile.  God has a plan.

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”   Jeremiah 29:11