I’m not dead

Hello there, bloggy friends!  Just wanted to let you know I was still alive and mostly well… usually.  Thank you to those of you who had been checking in on me.  It was nice to be missed.  I just seem to have a one-track mind (read- ADD, seriously) and have been focusing on other things lately.  As I recently observed about the people in my family, we don’t have hobbies, we have obsessions. And my obsession right now, besides taking care of my family, is the special needs support group at my church. 

I facilitate a support group for families of children with special needs at my church and it is going REALLY well.  Lots of new families, great volunteers, enthusiastic support from the church.  We are on a break for summer but plans are coming together for the Sept-May meetings.  It has been a big blessing to me, and many others from what I hear.  Isn’t it neat how that works!?  It has also further solidified my desire to work in the special needs field when I re-enter the work force.

Let’s see… updates… Mapman and I just recently spent a week volunteering at Bible Camp.  We were given, by design, a group that had a few boys with special needs in it.  Plus my buddy Gus (who I wrote about last year) came back and his mom specifically asked for me!  I was honored &  thrilled.  She gave me the biggest compliment by saying, “This is the one time I know I don’t have to worry about him.  I know he is okay with you.”  Gus had an AWESOME week.  It was amazing to see how much he has matured & grown since last year.  I also fell in love with Mapman all over again because he was INCREDIBLE with those boys.   The perfect balance of discipline & playfulness.  The kids loved him too!

Sad, though, that although Bible Camp made me swoon over my hubs, it also made me want to yell at him.  What an exhausting week!  It took a lot out of me, going there every night, being with so many energetic children who needed to be watched so closely.  I got progressively more & more MEAN and impatient as the week went on.  Kinda like a high-speed version of what happens to a marriage over time when you have a child with special needs.  I get why the divorce rate is so high… even when two people really love each other.  The sandpaper of constant stress wears the marriage thin.

It has been almost 5 years now since we first became parents, and I think Mapman & I are starting to really feel the strain.  Don’t get me wrong, both boys are steadily progressing and we are thrilled, but the daily grind of labor-intensive parenting takes its toll.  We seem to have less patience for each other than we used to.  I have stopped trying as hard to be nice when I am stressed.   I’m working on that. 

Another part of the struggle is that when you parent a child with special needs there is so much less time and energy to be the person that your spouse fell in love with.  But we also are AWARE of this and have started trying even harder to take breaks, replenish, and re-connect.  We make time to go play together… even though sometimes it is SO much work to arrange it.  It almost doesn’t seem worth it sometimes, doing all that planning.  But then when the fun finally happens it can be so wonderful. 

Recently Mapman & I took just Thomas to an amusement park WITHOUT Percy.  We all needed a break from Percy.  It hurts me to say that, but it is true.  More on that another time.  Mapman was NOT enthusiastic about leaving Percy with someone ALL day.  He was worried & crabby & didn’t want to go.  Finally I became very firm and told him this was something we ALL needed.  We needed to play, and Mapman needed to stop worrying about Percy SO much and learn how to trust other people to take care of him.  He is honestly worried all the time that Percy is going to get himself terribly injured.  I get that fear, but we have to fight against letting it take over our lives!  Sometimes we just have to take a deep breath & let go & TRUST.  And we did.  It was a wonderful, wonderful day.  A great time was had by all.  We really needed that.   It was healing and invigorating.

And then this past weekend we had neighbors over for dinner.  This was a stretch for ME because I worry about how my kids will act around others, how they will be perceived, and honestly I find entertaining to be EXHAUSTING.   Not the extrovert I used to be.  But we had a fabulous time.  The best part came at the end of the night.  Mapman & Neighbor Man took out their guitars & started to play the Beatles.  Mapman has barely had time to play since the kids were born… his fingers have even lost their callouses.  But that night he was the old Mapman again.  I thoroughly enjoyed watching those two standing together playing, everyone singing along, Percy dancing to the music~ it all made my heart swell.  And Mapman looked GOOD with his guitar.  Now THAT is the man I fell in love with!  Hooray for reconnecting! 

I’m gonna stop there for now.  Next post will be updates on my little engines, Thomas & Percy.  They are doing great, although summer break is kicking my butt.  Oops, can I say butt?