Stuff I hate

Hate is such a strong word, isn’t it?  I wish I could say “dislike”… but there it is, that ugly word.  HATE.  I hate some of the things that Autism has brought into our lives.  Sometimes I just get SO mad!  So over it.  I accept that fact that my son is on the Autism Spectrum.  I celebrate his uniqueness, try to respect his sensory boundaries while pushing him to try new things.  BUT I also get REALLY frustrated sometimes at it all, battle the way Autism disrupts our lives, and I really hate some stuff. 

I hate that we can’t go out to eat at a restaurant as a family.  I hate that I can’t take my boys to the circus.  I hate that I can’t be spontaneous.  I hate that our social opportunities are so limited.   I hate knowing that people are staring at my son & wondering why he seems different.  I hate the feelings of isolation my husband & I get because other parents can’t understand what we are going through.   I hate that our situation makes it harder for my husband and me to spend time together. 

I hate it when people dismiss our struggles because “it could be worse”, or assume it can’t be that bad because Percy is learning how to talk.  I hate it when I tell people that my son has an Autism Spectrum Disorder and they get uncomfortable and change the subject. 

I hate poop painting… and the fact that after I wrote the first draft of this I found my son trying to wedge a nugget of poop into his ear.   I hate meltdowns.  I hate that my son will not eat a grape but he will eat a freaking Lincoln Log.  I HATE worrying about his nutrition all the time because he is such a picky eater!  I hate ALL this worrying.   

I hate that my son will not let me cuddle him when I tuck him in at night because he is too busy being busy.  I hate that he now prefers his Daddy because I am so busy taking care of him all day long that I am too busy and tired to simply sit and enjoy spending time with him.  I hate that sometimes I am so frustrated by his behavior that I feel like I don’t even WANT to spend time with him.  I hate that I don’t know the best way to handle some of his behaviors.  I hate that I keep second-guessing myself as a parent.

I hate endless meetings and red tape and doctor’s appointments and paperwork and insurance battles.  And I hate what a nightmare it is to even TAKE him to the Doctor.

I hate that so many things are hard.  I hate that my son has to struggle. I hate that it is so frustrating for him when he doesn’t understand and can’t communicate.  I hate that life seems more difficult for him sometimes.  I hate that I can’t fix this and make it all better.  

I hate the loss of control.  I hate that I don’t know what the future holds.

Ramble much?   I could keep going and going.  This journey has taught us so very much and has absolutely enriched our lives… but it ain’t all sweetness and light!  Sometimes it just plain sucks, and there are some things that I hate!  But you know what?  I don’t hate Autism.  I get really angry at it, but I don’t HATE it.  It is a part of my son.  If I hated it I would be hating a part of HIM, and eventually he would sense that.  I hate some of the things he does, but I LOVE him so very much, no matter what.

When I read this over I see that a lot of what I described is not unique to the world of Autism.  Parenting itself is full of difficulties.  And it is also full of joy.  I know I have a lot to be thankful for.  I don’t spend a lot of my time focusing on hating these things.  Sometimes I am able to just accept them and be positive and even see the blessings they bring.  But sometimes I JUST NEED TO VENT!!!  And that is okay… it is even important!  Then when I am done venting and getting it all out of my system I can just focus on being a mom and loving my children.   And I LOVE that.