Wheelchair Wheelies

This video made me weep and smile.  It is from a ballroom dancing competition in Europe in 2006… a wheelchair dance competition.  It is one of the most beautiful and wonderful things I have seen in a long time.  This is not what I intended to post about, seeing as how I just got back from a mini-vacation and wanted to talk about that, but when I found this clip at Wheelie Catholic it touched me too much not to share.  The competitors are so incredibly graceful and athletic and enthusiastic.  They inspire me.

One of the reasons that this video touched me so deeply is that I had a boyfriend in college, “Todd”, who was paralyzed from the waist down and used a wheelchair.  The lessons he taught me are a crucial element to who I am now as a person, and opened my eyes to a whole new reality.  Until that point I honestly had no idea about the number of challenges that a person in a wheelchair faces on a daily basis.     

By the way, Todd suffered spinal damage because he rode in a car one night in High School with someone who was drunk.  If I recall correctly- the driver was unharmed, Todd lost his ability to walk, and a third passenger was killed.  Tragic, and avoidable.  It is never okay to drive when you are under the influence of any mind-altering substance.

Todd and I met at the Special Olympics where we were both “Buddies” and were cheering on the athletes.  I actually walked up to him and introduced myself because I had heard who he was through some mutual friends.   We clicked immediately, (he liked that I was not intimidated by his chair) and had a date that same night.  During that date I didn’t know how he did things and or if he needed help with anything so I just asked.  He really appreciated that I felt comfortable asking but that I also didn’t assume he was helpless.  Turns out he did NOT need any help. 

Todd was an intelligent, kind, and strong man who was a lot of fun to be with.  He also happened to utilize a wheelchair.  During our relationship we openly discussed our lives and the challenges we each faced… because we ALL face challenges in life.  I learned a lot while we were together.  Like how when it rained he got wet because he needed both hands for his chair.  No umbrella for him.  And when it snowed he was stuck until all the sidewalks were plowed.  (Don’t ask me why his landlord always seemed to get to his walkway LAST in bad weather, even though he had asked more than once to PLEASE be first.)  Or that when people pull into those lined zones next to handicapped parking spaces and put on their hazards (like that makes it okay) to run in the store for “just a sec” they are actually blocking the ramp from the parking lot to the sidewalk and that means that people in a wheelchair can often NOT get onto the sidewalk.  It can be quite difficult to jump a curb in a wheelchair.

We did a lot of normal couple things, and some more unusual things.  I learned how to do wheelies using his extra chair (okay, I TRIED), and we would have wheelchair races in his apartment.  There were also some challenging situations.  We once attended a formal event at a local restaurant and discovered there were steps but no ramp.  I had to help him wheel up the steps backwards.  This happened more often than you would expect.  My arms got very strong that year.  It bothered him because EVERY place open to the public should be accessible (we were in the country and they were still catching up), and when they were not it made him feel like a second-class citizen.  He did not like to be in the center of a scene where he seemed different than everyone else.  Once we went to a McDonald’s that boasted “Handicap Accessible VAN parking”, and yet when he tried to enter the bathroom his chair would not fit through the door.  He spoke to the manager who apologized profusely and offered him gift certificates.  Todd did not accept them, he just wanted the door fixed. 

The worst incident, and the angriest I ever saw him, was at a restaurant where the wheelchair-accessible entrance was around to the side.  That REALLY made him feel second-class.  He wanted some dignity and deserved to go in the front door like everyone else!  To add to the insult, after we went all the way around we discovered the manager had let the band block the entrance with their van while they unloaded their gear.  Todd was furious.  I was actually frightened, although I of course understand why he was so angry. 

I felt the most proud of him at his college graduation ceremony.  He had worked so hard, and it was his day to celebrate.  At the last minute he realized there were a couple of steps leading up to the podium where he was to receive his diploma and NO ONE thought about the fact that there was a member of that class in a wheelchair.  Brilliant.  He was instructed by the flustered administrators that he was to leave the line when it was his turn and wheel around to the other side and approach the podium from the back.  He did not argue, but DID disagree.  He was not going to be the one person who did not go across that stage!  So he quietly employed the help of a friend and at the last second they bumped his chair up the steps and he went across that stage proudly.  I saw the school administrators squirm, probably because they were worried about potential injury and lawsuits, but they hung back.  Todd looked so strong and proud that day.  He handled that situation calmly and with dignity.  He deserved that moment of honor.       

We dated for about five months, but soon after he graduated I realized we were not right for each other.  It had NOTHING to do with his chair, though.  NOTHING.  I just saw that my life was going in a new direction and knew we wanted different things.  I did not break up with him very well though.  I regret that.  He deserved better.  I wish I could tell him how sorry I am.  It probably doesn’t matter to him anymore, but it matters to me.  

I have no idea what happened to Todd after we broke up.  I think of him from time to time and wonder how he is doing.  I want to know how his life turned out.  I thought I saw him once and then realized that the man I was looking at was walking and not in a wheelchair.  I guess that shows that I just saw him as Todd, not Todd-in-a-chair.  I wonder if he knows that I have always had a huge amount of respect for him.  I was impressed by the fact that he went to graduate school and was choosing a career where he could help others that faced challenges similar to his own.  

He made such a huge impression on me and changed my life, and who I am as a person, for the better.  Knowing him helped me become more aware and more sensitive towards people who have a disability or may be different in some way.  My relationship with him helped prepare me for my current life, like parenting my two unique and beautiful children, one of whom has an Autism Spectrum Disorder.  It also helped spark my passion for disability advocacy, which in turn led me to start a support group at my church for families of children with special needs.  And all these events are influencing my decision-making about my future career. 

I wish I could tell him all those things.  But I can’t.  So I will tell you.  And who knows?  Maybe someday he will read it too…