Choose Compassion

Sometimes life presents us with opportunities, but we have a choice as to how we respond.  Will we choose compassion or contempt? 

I received this beautiful email this week from my friend PPPJ and share it with her permission.

 

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Hi there Goldie!

I was sitting on a plane down to Phoenix AZ in the window seat.  A 91 year old woman was next to me, and next to her was a 40 something professional looking woman named Diane.  We all chatted pleasantly about the previous mother’s day activities, and the older woman was telling us about her children.  The plane took off and we all shut our eyes for three seconds.  Suddenly, a child became screaming.  She was SCREAMING.  She was in the seat in front of me.  We all looked at one another and shrugged.  This was going to be our flight.  So, we took out our books, and magazines, and immediately felt sorry for the child.  Her ears must have been hurting.  She looked like she was about three when I peeked at her when we sat down

The screaming continued

We were trying to decide what the child was saying.  It sounded like “potty” or something like that, and Diane and I were getting worried for this child’s welfare.  I tried to peek between the seats without any luck.  It seemed that the mother was restraining the screaming and crying child – and she would rest for a few minutes before starting up again, so we couldn’t tell what was going on with this little family.

The screaming continued.

Passengers began to turn around and give the seat in front of me dirty looks of exasperation and frustration.  People were talking about it, and the plane was full and no one could move away from the screaming child.

I stood up and had to lean over the seat to look at this child’s mother, and there were tears streaming down the mother’s cheeks.  I asked her if she needed a break, and that I have three kids at home, and I know how hard it is if she would like a break.  The child didn’t look at me. 

The mother looked at me with more tears and said in English (which was not her first language), “please…tell people…my daughter is autistic…there is nothing I can do……”  so I offered the mother water, and she declined.

I felt that I was staring into you.

Then I started to get angry.  Who the heck do these passengers think they are that they give HER dirty looks?  When I went to sit down the angry eyes were all on me, and I told them all in an angry voice, “Read a book.  The child and mother will be okay.” 

Suddenly, the passengers around me went from being angry to being curious – what was wrong?  Should the captain know?  I explained it was a medical condition, and the child was safe and would be okay, but they should stop staring.  Surprisingly, they did.

The crying and screaming continued for another 45 minutes, and then miraculously the child and mother fell asleep.  We all breathed a sigh of relief.

Goldie, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.  How many times have YOU been in a situation like this when you just needed someone to help just a little bit?  I kept wondering what would help, and I did give the woman tissues.  I did offer help, but she didn’t want my help, and was doing the best she could.  I wish I knew Spanish so I could have helped more! 

It really opened my eyes to your situations, and I appreciate you starting this blog so I was sensitive to the family right away.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
pppj

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Wow.  I just… wow.  And there I go crying again.  This email touched me so much and evoked so many complicated thoughts and emotions.  I find that words are failing me right now.

First of all, PPPJ, thank you so much for taking the time to share this with me.  I can tell that you truly were a blessing to this woman.  You DID help, even if you don’t think so.  I know that your kindness and compassion were a relief to that dear mother. 

That poor mother.  When I read, “I stood up and had to lean over the seat to look at this child’s mother, and there were tears streaming down the mother’s cheeks,” I began to sob, and continued to do so while I read the rest of the story.  While I have not been in a situation this extreme I can still relate to her helplessness.  I felt so sad WITH her.  Many times I have been terrified and exhausted by the actions of the screaming, twisting child that I was trying so desperately to hold in my arms.  It is made worse when I can feel harsh eyes of judgement upon me.  I have written about it more than once.  I just want to yell at them, EXPLAIN, ask them not to judge.

And that is what PPPJ did.  She helped diffuse the situation by giving the other passengers a lesson in compassion.  She helped them realize the error in their hasty judgements.  She snapped them out of their self-righteous indignation and made them aware that it was NOT simply bad parenting or an unruly child… that poor child.  She must have been so terrified and frustrated by the experience of riding on a noisy airplane in a confined space.

I know why the mother seemed to refuse any of PPPJ’s offers to help.  Besides tissues and comfort there was not much else that would help except time.  The child needed time to be allowed to calm herself down, and the mother needed to hold her baby tight (no hands free for water)  and comfort her until the storm had passed.  If anyone else had tried to hold the child she likely would have found that even more upsetting.  Plus the child was at risk or hurting herself or other people, so it was safest for her to be with Momma.

How many times have I wished, when my Percy was putting on a show for the public, that someone would show me some kindness and understanding?  It would have helped me hold my head so much higher if just one person had looked at me and said soothingly, “I know, kids act this way.”    Or if they would simply NOT be impatient when they were stuck behind me in the checkout line and I was taking WAAAY too long because my children were upset and I was trying to keep Percy from taking his aggression out on his older brother’s flesh.  Or maybe if they just held the door for me and helped me with my bags because my child was grabbing the doorframe and refusing to leave.  And you know what, sometimes people have done those things for me.  And I was INCREDIBLY grateful.  So on behalf of your new friend on the airplane, PPPJ, let me say a heartfelt “Thank you!”  

PPPJ wrote, “I appreciate you starting this blog so I was sensitive to the family right away.”   That makes me feel all warm inside.  And humbled.  I started this blog for several reasons, like needing a place to express myself and sort out my thoughts.  I am still so tickled and amazed that out of those semi-selfish motives good things are happening.  People are THANKING me for venting my frustrations online because they can relate and they realize they are not alone.  Wow.  I HOPED that by being real about the ups and downs of my parenting experience and Early Intervention journey I could maybe help other people.  I knew if I helped even just one person I would be happy.  And now I am happy.  So very happy.

But I also know PPPJ well enough to say that I think she would have helped this woman even if she had never read my blog.  She is just like that.  So thank you again, PPPJ, for being the kind person that you are.  You chose compassion.  Good choice!