The Mom I do not want to be
May 28, 2008
This day started out so well, and now it has already deteriorated. My kids have already sucked out all of my ambition, AND my patience. 9:30 am… only about ten more hours to go. Ten hours to fight off the tendency to become HER… Mean Mommy, the Mom I do not want to be.
I want to be loving and patient and kind and involved. I want to get down on the floor with my children and play and laugh. But I also want to have a somewhat sanitary house (I am not even shooting for “clean”) and be able to walk without breaking an ankle. And maybe once in a while have a moment to myself… or at least be able to use the bathroom ALONE.
Today is a prime example. I woke up with some energy and mental focus today, which is rare, and I was anxious to capitalize on that and get some housework and organization done. Morning is my best time. My children usually veg out for the first hour or so every morning and I get a break. So of COURSE my oldest son not only woke up EARLY today but also then proceeded to beg me to play with him. Before I had even finished my coffee. Not even 7am and he is whining for Playdoh Puppy. All this pent up energy for cleaning (again, rare) and I am stuck wasting it on Playdoh Puppy. I could feel my frustration level rising and a tightening in my chest. And the knowledge that these days are fleeting and I am supposed to be savoring every moment made it even worse.
Then the whining started. EVERYTHING induced whining this morning. I am usually able to tune it out for about an hour. Then all of a sudden I have a psychotic break and I. CAN’T. TAKE. ANY. MORE. Here comes Mean Mommy! A terrifying voice comes out of my throat and I growl at my children like a fire-breathing dragon. It reminds me of Chris Farley in those old “Gap Girl” skits on SNL (“LEAVE ME ALONE I’M STARVING!”). Sound familiar to any of you? Or am I the only Mom who has ever wanted to cry out, ” PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!” Sometimes I just have to walk away. More than once I have said to my children, “Do not talk to me for just FIVE minutes, okay?” I need a BREAK! That’s why I am now blogging instead of all the other things I should be doing.
Uh-oh, hold on a second…
Okay, I’m back. Here’s what just happened:
Him: Mommy. Mommy? Mommy! Mom-meeeee? MOM-MY!!!!!!!!
Me, finally, exasperated: WHAT!!!!???!!!
Him, whimpering, shocked: You yelled at me!
Love it. They yell and whine and yell and when YOU finally snap THEY start to cry and whimper. This either makes me feel guilty OR even more frustrated. “Hush up now! Quit that crying!” Either way everyone is upset. And once that cycle begins it is hard to break. Children are like dogs. You know how dogs can smell fear? Well, kids can smell frustration. And they WILL punish you for it. Just when you are the most exhausted and frustrated and can’t take any more is when they decide NOTHING you do is good enough for them and cannot be satisfied. Plus they suddenly find themselves incapable of carrying out even the most routine tasks without your help. “Can you help me? Can you help me? Can you help me? I NEED HELP!!!!”
-
Like I said earlier, sometimes I just have to walk away so I can take a couple of deep breaths and stop being “Mean Mommy”. Naptime used to be a great time for this de-compression. I NEED this break desperately. Yet lately my eldest son has stopped. taking. naps. Oh sweet heavens above, give me strength. More than once at naptime when I felt Mean Mommy emerging I have pleaded with my son to please PLEASE stay in his room and leave mommy alone. Part of this was because honestly, I was so angry and tired I was afraid of how I would treat him. I was THAT close to the edge. This means that it was better to leave him to scream and cry in his room than it was for him to be scarred by bad treatment from Mean Mommy. But oh the guilt. “Mommy I need you to hold me! Mommy I want you! Mommy please cuddle me!” I am well aware that one day I will wish desperately for some little person to cuddle and will wish I had done it more often. Yet right now there are moments where I can’t look at my children one minute more without yelling, “I have had it!” And here again is the guilt. I HATE it when I feel this way. I wish I had the emotional energy to be more patient and loving and not leave my children damaged. I do not want to be Mean Mommy! I would NEVER speak to any other children this way, so why in the world do I yell at two of the three people I love the most in the whole world?
Two nights ago was the worst. My son was excited about his Dad’s birthday, but I had endured a long day. This included going to WalMart with two small children (yikes) where we picked out a present for the birthday boy. I warned him NOT to tell, “Shhh! It’s surprise!” When Daddy finally got home my oldest yelled, “Daddy, I got some music for you!” Without thinking I snarled, “You weren’t supposed to tell him!” My child was DEVASTATED that I had yelled at him for being excited about a gift for his Daddy. He SOBBED and sobbed, with deep, shuddering breaths, and would not be comforted. And was so overwrought that he then went to bed at an obscenely early hour of 5:30pm (SEE? He DOES need a nap!). As I was putting him to bed he whimpered pitifully, lips quivering, “You yelled at me!” I tried SO hard to comfort him. My heart felt incredibly heavy that night. I HATED what I had done and was burdened with guilt. It was difficult to fall asleep.
I think this recent comic strip from For Better or For Worse best describes my feelings. And yet the events from that night keep happening over and over. Mean Mommy keeps showing up, uninvited. My heart is so full of love for my children. I know they are such a gift and a blessing. But every once in an exhausted while I wish I could pass those blessings on to someone else!
So now, in my frustration, I am blogging and eating a chocolate Pop Tart. Two other things I swore I wouldn’t do today, waste time on the computer and eat junk food. I was going to use my time more wisely AND be healthy. But I had to get away. And I NEEDED chocolate. My kids are wearing me out today and Mean Mommy ain’t far away. Oh look, 4pm, it only took me six and a half hours to find time to finish this post. GREAT, now they are fighting me for the computer. AND my precious Pop Tart. No more blogging for me. Quick, I need a diversion…
Where is that Playdoh Puppy?
-
Entry Filed under: Parenting, children, family. Tags: children, family, frustration, love, motherhood, patience, regret, whining.
16 Comments Add your own
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <pre> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed
1.
Boo Sr. | May 28, 2008 at 5:05 pm
So, your kids are already going through the “what are we going to do today” “won’t you play with me” rountine, and it’s only the first two days of summer! Go smush some Pla Doh– it’s probably very theraputic! All I can suggest is that you have to try to maintain some kind of routine (this coming from the queen of no dinner times or bedtimes), but you need to do something other than play and referee all day, obviously, for your sanity and to make sure your household functions. Try something like cuddling for two stories worth, or attempting to put away dishes or fold laundry as long as a Thomas episode is on, some kind of trade-off. Don’t even attempt the entire to-do list, but set some small but realistic goals. I empathize and understand it’s impossible to be supermom most days, any days really, but you’ve got to set those goals and get through them or you’ll forever be beating yourself, and maybe those kids, up too! Maybe the boys would like to help with some of the cleaning/organizing, too? Boo Jr. sure does love to help unload the dishwasher, clean windows and wipe tables– some little task you can pawn, er, delegate and then all of you are working together.
2.
Kemi | May 28, 2008 at 6:33 pm
You have got to stop feeling so guilty. It’s a terrible downward spiral. I love my kids, too, but there are times they drive me absolutely crazy. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG with taking a break for you. Even if you take five minutes out of every hour. Especially if it helps you avoid “Mean-Mommy mode”.
I want to echo what Boo said above: set limits on the time your kids expect of you. (That makes me sound terribly cold, doesn’t it?) I had to learn to say, “I will play one game of UNO with you, but then I’m taking a break to fold laundry.”, or “If you go play outside with your brothers, as soon as I’ve finished this chapter of my book, I will join you for a game of catch.” We use a timer for EVERYTHING at my house, and while the constant beeping is enough to drive my husband over the edge, my kids know that 15 minutes isn’t an eternity, and as long as I’m (fairly) consistent with my (prompt) follow-through, they are satisfied.
The very most important thing here is you. It’s normal to feel frustrated, worn out and pulled in a hundred different directions. I think that’s the secret part of motherhood one doesn’t fully understand until one experiences it for herself. When you feel yourself getting close to the edge, tell your boys you are giving yourself a time-out (or whatever discipline method you use) for a few minutes, and tell them you are off-limits during that time. Use that time-out to meditate, pray, use the bathroom in peace (*wink*), read a chapter in a book, or rub some lotion on your hands. Anything that puts the focus on YOU and takes the focus off them, and the stress you are feeling. You can even explain to them that you are having a bad day, just like they do sometimes, and you need to spend some time thinking about how to be nice. (The first time I told my kids something along those lines, they giggled hysterically. The thought of Mommy being naughty was way beyond their understanding. Little did they know it was THEM being naughty that was driving me to seek solitude. LOL)
As far as naptimes go, cuddle with your oldest for one story. Let him pick it, cuddle him while you read it, and then give him the choice to go to sleep or to play quietly (or read some stories by himself). My four-year-old is trying her hardest to give up napping, but she’s so cranky by 5:00 if I let her skip one, she’s impossible. When I give her this choice, nine times out of ten she falls asleep. (Hallelujah!)
Good luck, Goldie. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I promised my kids I would help them fill and tie water balloons just as soon as I finished this comment.
3.
Kemi | May 28, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Holy cow, that was a HUGE comment. No wonder my kids came in eleventybillion times to ask me if I was coming outside yet?
4.
fightingwindmills | May 28, 2008 at 6:47 pm
A predictable routine will help. They will become willing participants if they know what’s coming. And I agree with Boo Sr.—make them wipe stuff like floors and windows and the refrigerator door with wet towels.
Keep going! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
5.
feener | May 28, 2008 at 6:50 pm
oh man, once again, you live inside my head and heart. i have had so many of those days. the cycle is horrendous, they whine, i need time, they yell more, i scream, they scream, HELP. Leave me alone. i have said do not talk to me many times. of course this doesn’t work. and yes chocolate and blogging are about the only things that help.
i too felt a sense of actual motivation today and was able to use it (unlike you). hardest job in the world, most important, most precious.
6.
Boo Sr. | May 28, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Also, remember the “this too will pass” phrase, as well as the wonderful story we heard at MOPS about the santuary we are building… one Lego, one kind word, one hour in which we don’t scream in frustration! You other ladies, well said! I love the whole time-out thing– my gosh, you mean we “deserve” 5 minutes out of every hour where our every moment is spent making sure our child eats nutritious food, doesn’t eat poop, making sure they don’t put their fingers in electrical outlets, don’t drown in their wet diapers, take naps when they don’t want to, on and on!! I had two kids over at my house today, and had to lie to finally go to the bathroom after several hours. The one who wasn’t my child kept wanting to find out where I was. Oh, joy. Goldie, hang in there, and maybe this summer we can do some creative swapping (or playdates at your house where you slip away to scrub that toilet or do dishes!). I’m hoping for some sanity as well. We all love you for your insights, and do you realize we all think you must have just been at our house with much of what you write?
7.
High Hopes | May 28, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Goldie,
We can all say with total sincerity “I’ve been there” . Hang in there babe, as they get older the demands on your time do lessen. I only have one kid, but it didn’t mean there were less demands of my time, because there was no sibling to play with. I was the play toy/playmate and everything else in my daughter’s young world. Trust me when I say this, the time comes very quickly where they become capable of independent time.
I can only echo everyone’s sentiments, but I would like to add this; why don’t you get a sitter for one afternoon a week? Even it if is only two hours, it is your two hours. A very wise friend said to me once early in the parenting game, there is absolutely nothing wrong with walking into another room to take a breath. The tears will stop, the kids will survive, but you need to keep sane. Honey bunny you have your hands fuller than fuller and sometimes it is going to be so overwhelming and other times it is going to be great. YOU ARE A GOOD MOMMY!
I also would not call you “mean mommy” I think it is more like tired mommy or mommy who needs just five minutes to take a breath mommy.
Here is a little suggestion for you that you may want to try. Get two plastic bins or containers, label them for each child, then you & the boys each pick some special toys or stuff that turns their crank, put the stuff in there and when you need to have some quiet time to get things done, they get to pick something special that they can down on their own out of the bin. The trick with this is that they don’t play with that stuff at any other time, only when you need quiet time or time to get stuff done. It may take awhile for them to get the idea, but eventually they will pick up the cue that it is for quiet time and they get to play with their special toys. My girlfriend did this and it was cool. It was exciting for the kids to play with their ’special toys’ and then she got some time to do stuff. I like Kemi’s idea of the timer as well.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
8.
pppj | May 28, 2008 at 10:11 pm
I didn’t read the comments, but I had these moments and days as well. Once in a while I would put a blanket over my head and tell the kids I went to Hawaii. I had never been there (now I have) and I just needed a break.
A few days after I first did it, my eldest son then 3 put it over his head when he didn’t get to watch DraganTales, and said, “I’m going to Howwie.” It was adorable. We ended up putting the blanket on the dining room table or make a fort with it and it was our spot…just a breather.
Also – my kids still have quiet time for an hour in the afternoon where they play by themselves in their rooms with no electronics – tv, psp, or whatever. They are 12, 8, and 6, and they look FORWARD to quiet time as they read, hang out, color, play lego’s, army guys etc….
You’re a good mom Goldie.
9.
Goldie | May 29, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Wow. I am overwhelmed by the responses. Glad to see other people can relate! Thank you so much to all of you for taking so much time to share your thoughts. ALL of you had great suggestions, although I don’t have time to comment on each one, so I will just say a general “I will give it a shot, thank you!”
Boo, great suggestions. Except the part about “try to maintain some kind of routine”. I’m sorry, a WHAT? Not familar with that concept.
and “do you realize we all think you must have just been at our house with much of what you write”. really? Cool.
Kemi, lol, how were the water balloons? I LOVE the idea of a time out for mommy!
FW, thank you, prayers are much appreciated.
Feener, “they whine, i need time, they yell more, i scream, they scream…” I KNOW!!!!!! AAAAAAAAA!! But, as you said so eloquently, “hardest job in the world, most important, most precious”. funny to think that someday I will miss even this chaos!
HH, love the sitter suggestion, just have to find one. loved the bin suggestion even more. the OT has suggested something like that too b/c we have too many toys out. I just need to get my act together and DO it.
pppj, Howwie, LOVE it! how adorable. I think I will go to Howwie now myself…
10.
High Hopes | May 30, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I think we should all book seats on the next plane to Howwie and lay on the beach and order fruity drinks with little umbrellas in them. So whaddya say? Anyone with me? Just don’t ask me to do the hula, I might break something.
11.
pppj | June 1, 2008 at 11:22 am
HH,
I want to go to Howwie today. Why is it that my kids all decide to act up on the same day? grrr
12.
barb gabhart | June 4, 2008 at 6:46 am
Goldie, I can certainly relate to the frustrations you are feeling (smile). I am a homeschooling mom, and trying to adjust to my children (who are roughly 5yrs. apart) to being home 24/7 was/has been the most insane experience. I went from having a very well maintained environment to a completely chaotic mess in no time. I get so claustraphobic in the mess that i feel like the above picture. Yet, here my kids are wanting something to do, needing to do school work, wanting to just spend time with me….hubby would like dinner sometime and perhaps a place to sit down (grin).
My solution…..a timer. I set the timer for 15 minutes and yell out….”15 minute pickup!” and begin the countdown. We all scurry around to see how much we cna accomplish in that time period. Between the 3 of us (and on weekends 4), you would be surprised at how much truly can be done. The energy surrounding everyone after the pickup countdown is amazing and we all feel really good about the house too. No, this does not eliminate the normal stuff like dishes etc. But it does get the clutter that has accumulated. and guess what? I even managed to get a room vaccuumed!!! So it may be worth a try.
13.
Goldie | June 4, 2008 at 2:40 pm
“I went from having a very well maintained environment to a completely chaotic mess in no time.”
Barb, your comment made me realize that one of the reasons I am so frustrated is the loss of control. I NEED control. As much as I love Christmas morning it also freaks me out… too much chaos.
LOVE the 15 minute timer thing! Will have to give it a try.
Thomas is getting better at helping clean up, too. The other night I said, “Let’s clean up, buddy!” and he replied, “OH! Who’s coming over?” ROFL!!!
14.
folkwoman | June 5, 2008 at 8:35 am
Hey, Goldie, I’ve been there! This is only the second day of vacation and the first was filled with severe thunderstorms! Yikes! I do like the idea of going to Hawaii, pppj, it sounds lovely.
My friends and I did a babysitting coop for the last couple years. Four moms and seven to eight kids (depending on one baby’s naptime). We’d have two moms stay at one house and two moms leave for two hours. Sometimes it was chaotic (I could only host when dh was out of town since he works from home), sometimes it wasn’t. But I really loved those two hours once a month or two. We did this every two weeks throughout the school year. We’re done with it now because everyone’s going to school in the fall and one of the mommies is moving. But it really helped.
Also check and see if there’s a mom’s day out program. There’s a church down the street from me that has a 3 hour program for local moms and I think it’s about $15 for two kids. I haven’t done it in a long time but it worked nicely for a break.’
Anyways, it sounds like you’re a good mom. Don’t worry too much, they can take it. Be transparent with them and tell them YOU’RE sorry and they’ll appreciate it.
from one of the meanest moms ever
folkie
15.
Goldie | June 5, 2008 at 3:26 pm
great ideas, folkie, good to see you again btw. i had been wanting to start a co-op for a while. I think I will try harder.
“Be transparent with them and tell them YOU’RE sorry and they’ll appreciate it.”
Good words! thank goodness they are so loving and forgiving!
16. I had a feeling today might not be a good day… « My Platypus Life | September 21, 2008 at 10:19 pm
[...] so tired and frustrated and I just, just… GAAHHH! I hate it when I get like that. (See The Mom I Do Not Want to Be) And now to see that it has changed my son’s opinion of me makes me feel awful. Truly [...]