Peace and Calm

I recently came through a series of storms and the clouds have just now cleared enough for me to tell you about it.  It may therefore seem ironic that the title of this post is called, “Peace and Calm”, but that is the whole point. 

We have already established why I am so exhausted sometimes.  I try to remain optimistic and do good self-care but sometimes I get overwhelmed.   I cannot physically and mentally handle a fast pace for too long, and April was especially CHAOTIC!!!!  My husband went away on a four-day vacation the end of March and then 2 weeks later had surgery.  I really need his help sometimes to keep this house running, OR keep an eye on the kids while I do housework, so those two events were quite disruptive and we got behind on some tasks.  I have been struggling to maintain two stay-at-home businesses (NOT grow, just maintain), shuttle my oldest to and from pre-school, keep a walking path clear inside my house, etc etc, and maybe take a minute for myself here and there.  (I know it may not sound all that hard, and a lot of people deal with a lot worse, but somehow this all seems hard for ME).  Plus we have to schedule in therapy sessions for Percy.  As I realized in a recent dream, I have basically been overwhelmed ever since Percy was evaluated and began occupational and speech therapy through Early Intervention a couple months ago.  That itself has been an emotional roller coaster.

It all seemed to come to a head recently.  I was simultaneously feeling overwhelmed by my children AND was feeling the urge to go into ”EXCESSIVE house cleaning mode”, plus was facing a couple deadlines for my stay-at-home businesses.  So of course my children acted as difficult as humanly possible to ensure that I got absolutely nothing done.  It was a school day and neither one of them wanted to get dressed.  I had to physically muscle them into their clothing, force a diaper change, carry them BOTH screaming to the car… everything was a fight.   Percy spent all morning shrieking because I wasn’t holding him the whole time and then threw one of his trademark fits as we entered the school… I could barely get into Thomas’ classroom.  Then I needed to try and help Thomas use the potty and therefore had to lay a writhing Percy on the classroom floor.  When I went to calm Percy I left Thomas in the bathroom, so he soon came waddling out with pants around his ankles and full-frontal flashed his whole class (funny, but embarrassing).  Percy was still screaming.  It was all too much.  I felt like I had a weight on my chest and could barely breathe.  I was panicked by the load of everything I needed to get done that day and quite honestly I felt the urge to be as far away from Percy as possible.  I needed a BREAK and some space to rest AND get some work done.   I saw a good friend and asked with tears in my eyes, “Can you please take my son?”   Sadly she was unable to help that day and I tried not to cry on the way back to my car.  I was at a breaking point.    

Then something amazing happened.  Within a two-hour time period two different women– loving, godly women– felt the urge to pray FOR me and WITH me.  No one has done that in years… people have prayed for me, but haven’t actually done it in person.  And yet on this day when I needed it the most these two spontaneously wrapped me in prayer.   Their prayers were specifically that I would have peace and calm in the midst of chaos and struggle.  It worked.     

I felt comforted and strengthened and began to see God’s hand at work guiding my days.  Friends began appearing who were able to give me a hand with the children, and I was able to relax AND get the necessary work done.  (Sometimes those “train tickets” that give us strength come in the form of friends.)   I felt so grateful.  I also felt like I was finally learning how to pace myself, how to cope, like I was getting ahead.  I got better at doing a little cleaning every day instead of letting it pile up.   I also felt like God was telling me to slow down and that I deserved some fun so I took all afternoon one day to PLAY even though there was work to be done  *gasp*.  I thought I had arrived at a new place in my life and learned some important lessons (all in the course of a few days, mind you), and that I would finally get some peace and calm.   I was telling someone about my experience and the insight I had gained and she got all teary-eyed and inspired and told me, “I’m a firm believer that the works you leave behind you also go before you.”   She said I was reaping the rewards of past good deeds.  OH YEAH, I thought, things are finally getting better!  WhooHoo!  I am reaping!  

And then the storms began again.  Our dryer stopped working for over a week because the outside vent cap fell off and we had birds…and nests…and eggs.  A week.  NEED my dryer.  Laundry started piling up.  I also got a migraine, the worst I have had in years, that lasted THREE days and was unable to do even ordinary tasks.  That ticked me off.  Just when I was trying to be more evenly paced and stay more on top of daily tasks every day I was almost flattened for three days and got BEHIND!!  And then I had a jumonguous fight with my husband who had good reason to be upset, but he also complained about everything that I had been upset at myself for anyway but had been trying to do better  (like being able to pace myself).  It was all just too much.  AGAIN. 

And so I cried.  NO, I sobbed.  Harder and longer than I have cried in any recent memory, and that is saying something.  I have incurred several big crying-worthy wounds in the past few years, but that night’s reaction made them look like papercuts in comparison.  It was LOUD and it was LONG.  I cried about EVERYTHING that had been upsetting me for the past several months.  I cried that my husband just doesn’t “get it” sometimes.  I cried that I can’t be a supermom, that I can’t get everything done that I want to do, and that every time I try and do something for myself, like I had that weekend, I seem to pay for it later.   I cried because I felt like I can never get ahead (and that I still hadn’t finished unpacking from our move 2.5 years ago).  I cried.  And cried.  And cried.  It all came pouring out and would not stop.   I was also furious at the universe for smacking me down again just after I had come through such a rough time.  “Can’t I get a break for even TWO DAYS????”  I wailed.  I mean come ON, just when I was starting to feel good again and think I had a handle on things, that was stolen from me.  Where was my peace and calm???

And then I realized, in the midst of my tears, that this also was part of the lesson.  

When my two friends prayed that I would receive peace and calm I had thought at the time that it was a sign that the storms would STOP.  That night it dawned on me that they had prayed for peace and calm in the MIDST of the storm.  NOT an abscence of storms, that isn’t a realistic expectation.  Surprisingly it actually made me feel a little better to realize that.  (A little.  I still would have preferred a CALM day or two!)  I began to feel peaceful even though I didn’t really feel peaceful (if that makes any sense), and went from sobbing and furious to a state of relative calm.  There was no reason for it other than a power outside of myself (another of those “train ticket” moments).    THAT is what they mean in scripture when they write of the ”peace that surpasses all understanding”.  I sniffed and decided to accept the fact that my life would be chaotic, but that God would be there to help me find peace and calm in the midst of that chaos.  And I decided (somewhat begrudgingly) that was okay with me. 

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.   In the world you will have tribulation.   But take heart; I have overcome the world.”   John 16:33

Little did I know that soon my rediscovered sense of peace and calm would be tested yet again. 

TO BE CONTINUED…