Why I am tired

I seem to have two speeds in life… GO GO GO GO GO this house needs to be SPOTLESS and it has to be done NOW and WILL- YOU-TAKE-YOUR-SHOES-OFF, I JUST VACUUMED FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!!!! -or- STOP… the kids ran me ragged today and I wore myself out cleaning the entire house in a one hour time period so I think I need to sleep for a week. 

I am either overly compulsive and full of manic energy or I am overwhelmed.  I can’t seem to pace myself and just maintain.  And at the end of the day I am sometimes so worn out I can’t even bring myself to fold one load of laundry.  I get caught up in day-to-day life and make a huge mess all week long, and I have trouble cleaning as I go.  I tend to leave things out in case I need them again, for one thing, and also I get so busy I don’t have the attention span to put things away if I am chasing after the children.  Even the milk gets left out on the counter waaaay too often.  I guess I do not multi-task very well.  If I am in busy life mode I am not cleaning and generally I am trying to ignore the growing mess around me.  But then all of a sudden I can’t bear it any longer and I feel dirty on a molecular level and have an overwhelming need for order and it has to ALL be cleaned right away or I can’t bear it.  Plus I fight fatigue quite a bit so when I get these bursts of energy and productiveness I try to make the most of them and get as much done as I possibly can.  I am really hard to live with on those days and am very demanding of my husband who had better not do anything to disturb my new-found sense of clean and order.  Okay, yes, I sound OCD and manic-depressive.  But even if I am I think at this point since I am still generally managing to cope I do not currently need meds.   My husband and I are always on the lookout for signs that I do need some help, however.  There you go, I just put my neuroses out there for the whole world to see, but if being honest about my struggles helps just one other person it is worth it. 

One of the other reasons I fight fatigue so often and find it hard to maintain my household is because of my two wonderful, and overwhemingly energetic, boys.  I call them Thomas and Percy in honor of their favorite “#1 Blue Engine” and his friends.  They both have some sensory integration difficulties and Percy, who displays some signs of being on the autism spectrum, has a horrible temper.  Plus they are BOYS and they are PRESCHOOLERS.  They are fun but they wear me out.  Sometimes I think about how it is really hard to be their stay-at-home mother.  Some days I cannot get anything done at home because all Percy wants me to do is hold him, and screams violently and hurts himself if I put him down.  He is almost two and should be past that stage.  I know that one day I will be begging him to give me a cuddle, but the cuddling thing gets old really quick when all you want to do is use the bathroom and you have to hold your son on your lap to do it.  Plus Thomas struggles with some anxiety and his own OCD tendencies  and I spend a large amount of time helping him arrange his universe “just so” or he gets upset.  Whew!  Some days it feels like I am living in a circus… or a storm.

Going out in public presents an entirely new set of challenges.  I feel so isolated sometimes and wish I could just take my children somewhere and enjoy myself and visit with other mothers without fishing Percy out of a parking lot or prying his teeth off another child.   I have tried playdates, but instead of visiting with other Moms I am child-chasing.  I see the other women chatting away calmly while their children play happily and I just want to cry for exhaustion and loneliness.  Or I look at their sweet little angels who sit on their laps calmly in public and sometimes I get so jealous!   In general the social opportunities for my family are limited because of Percy’s sensitivity, and there are a lot of situations we have to avoid because of the risk of one of his trademark meltdowns– we can’t even go out to dinner as a family.  We avoid places that will leave him over-stimulated, places where he could get hurt or run away, places where it would be really disruptive if he caused a scene, places where he is expected to be still…   Not much room for spontaneity!  At times I feel like I am being held captive by my son’s behavior.  I do not resent him, but I sure do resent IT.   I know a lot of people deal with a lot worse, but sometimes it seems really hard to me. 

When you take a very sensitive Mommy and give her two very sensitive children it is a challenging situation.   On one hand I can sympathize with the struggles my children face because I have endured them myself.  I understand what it is like to get frighteningly overwhelmed by chaos or noise, to feel like you have no control over your emotions or your surroundings.  I understand the terror and need to escape, as well as the waves of anger.  But the emotional roller coaster of mothering these passionate boys can leave me totally depleted.  All three of us get worn out very easily.  I have never been able to keep a fast pace or keep up a high level of activity for very long, but that works out okay because my children don’t react well to a busy schedule either.  So we just try to have some fun and some productivity and mostly just get through the day.  Some days are better than others.  But you know what, they are MY days, and I love them.  Yep, I’m tired.  And I am having the time of my life.  I get to mother two beautiful little boys, and I know I am blessed.