“Can you get rid of me?”

That is what my oldest son pleads when he is frightened and feels the need to hide.  “Can you get rid of me?”  It would be cute if it wasn’t so heartbreaking.  We were at the playground on one of the first truly beautiful days this spring.  A week’s worth of rain had finally ended.  Yaay!  Outside!!!!  We had slides and a friend and it was perfect, so I thought.  But then Thomas saw a beetle and it was all over.  His eyes grew HUGE and he sucked in his breath and he whimpered “Can you get rid of me?”   Keep in mind, he has NEVER been harmed by a bug.  I have not taught him to be afraid of bugs.  But afraid he is, deeply, instinctively, debilitatingly.   Sometimes he is so carefree and energetic and outgoing and enthusiastic.  Other times… -sigh-.  Recently he refused to go play outside with his friends on a playdate because there were bugs.  Sometimes he won’t go outside because there MIGHT be bugs.  This time he covered his ears, curled up his legs and cowered on the park bench next to me, refusing to move. 

I finally coaxed him to enter the playhouse with me, but all he did was sit on my lap while searching for bugs.  Then he cautiously walked to the swings with me while I swung Percy.  Unfortunately a large wasp-like creature flew right by his nose (Why, God, WHY?!) and I knew it was time to go home.  My poor Thomas again gasped and gaped and covered his eyes.  He looked so fragile, standing in the middle of the swings hunched over, paralyzed, covering his eyes in his terror.  I hugged him and tried not to cry.  I needed to be strong for him, but inside my heart was aching. 

“Is this normal?”  I asked two other mothers, searching for answers and comfort.  “Is it normal for children to get so afraid to the point that it is this disruptive?”   I think questions like that make some mothers uncomfortable.  What are they going to say?  ”You’re right, your child is not normal.”   One said, “I think it is important that they don’t see YOU freaking out.”  She’s right, but I already knew that.  I try so hard to avoid transference, to not to let my son see me afraid for him.  My friend responded, “I think she does a great job of not freaking out considering her circumstances.”  I could have kissed her. 

I know children deal with anxieties all the time, but I am thinking that when those anxieties disrupt normal activities to this extent it is beyond typical.  I feel so helpless.  I have tried to encourage Thomas to deal with these fears but he seems crippled.  It must feel so overwhelming inside his little mind.   I am not sure how to proceed, and I still am not sure if I even need to seek help.  IS this normal?  Will he just grow out of it?  I asked Percy’s Occupational Therapist about it and she said that the school system’s Preschool Services doesn’t deal with these sorts of issues.  He is over 3 so he is out of the Early Intervention phase.  I wish now I had gone ahead and had him evaluated by Early Intervention when I first started having concerns.  At least that would have been a place to start.  The school system is so overwhelmed now anyway… it is a much slower process than EE.  I worry that if he deals with this many compulsions and anxieties NOW it will even worse when he is older.  I had mild anxiety issues as a child but didn’t have real struggles until adulthood.  I worry about how this will affect his life.  I worry.  I worry all the time.  But I try so hard not to pass that worry on to him.  I honestly don’t think that he has picked up these fears from me.  I think they simply come from some deep place inside him.  I wish I could just reach down inside and fix it.  I wish I could get rid of it.  I wish I could rescue my little boy. 

We are in this together, buddy.  And no matter what, I will NEVER get rid of you.

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Related: Going out in public with my sons

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